Showing unconditional love

I have recently gotten very into a new-to-me series of relationship books - The Five Love Languages.

If you're interested in a synopsis of the concept, look here:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I first heard of this theory a few years ago when I participated in a Shalom Bayit (creating a peaceful home) class.  The ideal of a truly peaceful home is stressed greatly in Jewish practice as a necessary prerequisite for allowing kedusha (holiness) into the home.  The Shalom begins with the relationship between the husband and the wife and then radiates outward affecting everybody.

While doing my Amazon pre-deployment shop-fest, I came across a book - The Five Love Languages - Military Edition.  For $10, I figured it was worth a try.  I had been wanting to learn more about the teachings of Dr. Chapman, and the military vignettes could only add to the reading experience.  I received the book a
week before 'Captain's departure and quickly devoured 5 chapters.  I loved what I read so much that I ordered another copy for 'Cap to take with him (thank you Amazon Prime 2 day shipping!).  This book contained some true gems for enhancing our understanding of each other and realizing the best way to express love in our particular relationship.  Perhaps in another entry, I will expound on everything I learned from this book, but this post is actually about an entirely different lesson.

While purchasing the second copy, I noticed that there is also a book on the 5 love languages of children.  I have been a little disappointed in my parenting recently and bought this book in hopes of it revolutionizing my ability to parent just as it seemed to revolutionize my ability to understand my husband.

I have yet to finish the book, but in the three chapters I read last night, it has already labeled my current parenting flaws and promised to teach me how to correct them.

I am usually more reserved about sharing such personal experiences, especially when doing so reveals my greatest weaknesses, but I have decided that it is important.  A number of the people who read this blog are moms of young children.  I think that my mistakes are easy mistakes to make while in conversation with toddlers and young lawyers day after day.

How many strategies can one employ in an attempt for compliance from a young child?  "Please do this." - "Do this right now."  - "If you don't do this then..." - "I'm counting to 3..." - "I said do it!" .... etc....

It seems attractive to use conditional statements.  - "I'm not going to do ________ for you unless you listen and do ________."  - "Only good listeners get special privileges from Mommy."

Unfortunately, this has become an instinctual go to for me.  At some point in my life, this technique was ingrained and I am having trouble scratching it from the surface of my brain.  I never understood why it was so wrong until I read the 5 love languages for children.

The most important ingredient for compliant, happy, well-adjusted children is that they receive a constant source of unconditional love.  Children crave love.  One might think that if they crave it so much then you can tell them that in order to get that love they will need to listen to you.  Through this statement, a parent implies that a wayward child will not deserve parental signs of affection.  Interestingly, this strategy makes them less likely to listen.  Children feel security through knowing that their parents love them and will always show this love regardless of their behavior.  The more you show love, the better position you will be in to enforce appropriate discipline when necessary.

Now how do we "fill their love tanks" with unconditional love?  Dr. Gary Chapman explains implementation of the languages - Physical touch, Words of affirmation, Quality time, Acts of sevice and Gifts - in his book.

Today, I focused the entire day on expressing as much love as possible to all of the children.  I hugged and kissed them every chance I got.  I looked for every genuine compliment I could give about their character, and I made an effort to designate chunks of one on one time to each child (even the baby).  When a child began to whine or act up, rather than a reprimand, I asked if they wanted to come do something special with me.  I didn't reinforce the whine by giving in to their particular demand, but I took the whine as a sign that their love tank was no longer full and they needed me to top it off.

Thank G-d - what a day!  Everyone commented at dinner at what a fun day we had.  90% of our day was spent at home with an hour excursion to our regular park.  We did not do anything extravagant, but the kids sensed a difference, and it was evident in their behavior.

What a beautiful way to create happy, well-adjusted, compliant children.


<<Disclaimer:  I am sure I will not be able to implement this strategy every day to its fullest extent, but the intention is the important first step.>>