A child's perspective

About six months ago, a wise friend reminded me of this concept, "Ivdu et Hashem b'simcha" - everything you do should be with happiness.

For a week, I centered my life around this goal. 

I painted a sign to put in my house as a constant reminder.

Every time a child tested my patience and I felt the urge to get upset at them, I sang at the top of my lungs my favorite rendition of "Ivdu et Hashem b'simcha."

This intense focus lasted a short time.

The other day, out of the blue, the song popped into my head.

I began to sing - "Ivdu et Hashem b'simcha, bo'u l'fanav bir'nana...." (Serve G-d with happiness, come before Him with joy)

My astute 3yo with a musical memory to boot cut me off immediately.

"Mommy!  We're not doing anything wrong!  Don't sing that!"

Giving myself rules

I am a big rule parent.

Some people who have different styles might mock my affinity for rules, but I find them to help both the children and me a LOT.  Rather than coming up with reason and justification each time I ask the children to listen, I instead announce, "It is a rule."  This seems to hold a lot more weight than "Mommy said so."  In my children's mind, rules come with a lot more authority than my instruction.

When we sit down to eat at the table, we have table rules.  I usually call them "Table Manners," but the authority is still there.  When we go on walks, it is a rule that everyone holds hands when we cross the street.  Whether the rules enforce safety or respect, they teach my kids the ways of the world.  I also believe that kids thrive with rules.  They like to know what is expected of them and on some level it brings a sense of happiness. <My 4yo really does love the rules on some level, even though she has taken to telling me at every turn, "When I am a Mommy, I am going to let my kids eat candy all day and do whatever they want," etc....>

Sometimes, I wish I had a mommy on top of me all day telling me rules:  What I should and should not do.  If I am getting cranky because I didn't drink enough water throughout the day, I would love for a mommy to hover over me until I drink all of the water in the cup she prepared.  Every time my phone rings, I go through a big debate in my mind - Do I answer it or not?  Why can't someone else make rules for me as to when it is appropriate and proper to answer my phone throughout the day when I am home with the kids? 

When someone is in the middle of a meltdown and a million things are happening at once, I usually ignore the ringing phone. 

When everyone is playing nicely and I actually have quiet moments to cook or organize, answering a phone call seems manageable.  Somehow, the minute I say "Hello," it is a cue to my children to ask me questions, complain about something, or take my attention away from the phone call in some other way.    Besides that fact that I feel bad for the person on the other end of the phone who probably wanted a few undistracted moments with me, answering the phone seemed to ruin that perfect moment - of happily playing children and a few minutes to get something done.  I probably would have been better off answering the phone when everything was already in shambles.  What's one more, when you are already dealing with 20 stressors?

I could possibly try to strictly enforce a rule about silence in the house while I'm on the phone.  I have decided against this for several reasons.  Most importantly, I need to pick my battles, and this is not a battle that I deem worthy of a fight.  So instead, I have decided to give myself a rule.  I have been trying to enforce it for myself over the past week to no avail, but hopefully through writing the blog I will realize how important this is and listen to the authority within myself.

The rule:  I will not have a long conversation (more than 2 minutes) on the phone between 8AM and 7PM unless I am temporarily availed of my parenting duties.

The hardest part about this rule is our location on the west coast.  If I want to speak with anyone, I will either need to wake up early and find a quiet place to speak, or use precious babysitter or alone time, that I strategically plan throughout my week, to speak on the phone rather than recharge my internal batteries.

Inevitably, each time I break my rule and answer that phone, at least one child and I take a good half hour to recover from the disturbance in equilibrium in the home.  Inevitably by that point, the phone rings again.  I think that for a few days I am going to keep my phone on silent and just check it every hour or two for important messages.  I will see how it goes and see if this cellular silence truly does bring a more content and connected atmosphere to our days.

The Facebook

Back in my college years, Facebook and I had something special going on.  It was the "new thing" and provided so many amazing social opportunities on the college scene.  I also loved using Facebook as a medium to share pictures with all of my friends.

Then I graduated college, got married, had a child, and without realizing it, my relationship with Facebook had gone from casual to very serious.  The minute something happened with my new baby, I instinctively ran to the computer to tell people (this was still before I had email on my phone).  I posted a new album of her milestones and checked Facebook every hour to check who had commented because knowing people were thinking of me and seeing these pictures gave me the slightest fleeting moment of joy.  Those moments passed quickly though, and left a noticeable lack in their absence.  It left me craving the next "high" of seeing comments or posts.

I don't remember the exact day or moment, but all of a sudden I realized that this relationship I had with Facebook had infringed upon the relationships that actually mattered in my life.  I cared more about snapping a picture to share my baby's crawl with the world than I did about keeping my arms out for her to crawl into me.

So we broke up.

I considered deactivating my account, but decided that I could use self control to change my habits without needing to take such a drastic measure.

In time, as I became more distant from the pull of the addiction, I began to notice other negative psychological components to living life through the Facebook lens.

1)  When moments are always interrupted by a desire to put them online, it is not possible to enjoy the moment to the same extent as if you are immersed in it fully (see Be in the Moment).

2)  Facebook displays polar emotions.  Rarely does someone report that they feel completely normal and are having a completely routine day.  Instead, they report the negative or positive aspects of their lives.  These both result in an increase of negative emotion.  Let me explain.

Negative moments:  Person A feels enraged at X, Y and Z and feels that through telling a lot of people online it might somehow solve an aspect of the problem.  Unfortunately, the very act of reliving the anger through typing and sharing it will indeed increase the original emotion.  Further, it might cause some degree of anger by the people reading the post, who feel for Person A's plight.

Postive moments:  This one is very tricky.  You would think that if Person B has a wonderful spouse and children and amazing friends and a picture perfect life that they document entirely on their Facebook page, it might bring their friends and family joy in seeing their happiness.  Unfortunately, the human psyche is a bit more complicated.  The average person will look at Person B's page and feel a twinge of negativity toward them.  This negativity might come from jealousy (in the worst case) or simply sadness at their own life not feeling as fulfilled.  This observer might temporarily forget that Person B's Facebook page is only a snapshot of the positive moments in their life.  They probably have an occasional argument with their spouse or a screaming kid meltdown in a grocery store, but have decided to selectively not share those not so picture perfect moments.

Let me recage here.  I did not go on this rant to make anybody feel bad about their own Facebook use.  I am sharing my own personal journey and thoughts, but I trust every individual to evaluate their own involvement and intention in posting based on their values and goals.

This whole concept resurfaced for me because I have recently decided that I can use Facebook again.  I feel far enough removed from the nagging desire to make my Facebook all about my kids, that I can reclaim it as a personal resource for myself.  I did put a picture with my kids as my wall, because they are such a strong part of my identity, but my posts and pictures will not be about them.

As my first status update in years, I let people know about this blog.  Within 5 hours, nearly 400 people accessed my blog.  In my Facebook hiatus I forgot how far and fast social media spreads word and connects individuals.  When used properly and for the right reasons, it can bring positive and good. 

Like today - my grocery order got delivered (I do this in general when my husband is away as opposed to grocery shopping with the whole clan) with everything except onions.  I posted a status asking if anyone had onions to spare or could pick some up while at the store.  Less than 15 minutes later, I had onions at my door.  So Facebook, thank you for my onions. :-)

And the conclusion is...

Nothing - absolutely nothing - can substitute for a good night's sleep.

I wrote the last post coming off of a four hour night (compounded with a few bad nights before).  I struggled all day to be half of a good person.  By evening, I was beating myself up that I should be able to will myself to function no matter how tired I might be.

That night, I fell asleep at 8 PM.  I woke up the following morning at 6 AM as happy and cheerful as can be.  On Sunday, I devoted 98% of my energy to stabilizing my mood.  After a good night's sleep, I only needed to allot maybe 2% to mood stabilization and I had the rest to contribute to my day and my kids.

So maybe instead of trying to teach my daughter that she can overcome fatigue and plow through with a  smile on, I should teach her how to prioritize her sleep so she can try to avoid getting overtired in the first place!  (Easier said than done, huh?)

Linking happiness and sleep

I have been thinking about the connection between adequate sleep and ones ability to have patience and simcha in life.

Truth be told, I could probably write an entire blog on this topic alone.  I am going to attempt, however, to consolidate all of my thoughts into one or two blog posts.

In order to keep a semblance of coherence, I begin with self-analysis chronologically progressing from my childhood to my mommyhood.

As a young child, my parents realized very quickly that I needed more sleep than the average kid my age.  From their viewpoint, when I started losing my ability to function appropriately, this automatically signaled the need for a nap.  I would begin screaming, yelling, or crying at something ridiculous, and my parents responded by handing me a blanky, putting me in bed, and proclaiming, "Take a nap.  You can not handle yourself appropriately until you get some sleep."

In all fairness, they were completely right.  After a good nap, I proceeded to act like my happy go lucky self.  As I grew older, however, I still needed sleep whenever I reached this point of no return.  I never allowed myself to learn coping strategies to compartmentalize my fatigue and continue chugging along.

In college, I was one of the only young women I knew who fell asleep by 10 PM every night.  I literally can count on two hands the number of nights I saw AM on the clock before falling asleep.  And for a few days after each of those rare times, I can guarantee that I did not function optimally and I probably had moments of impatience and speaking rudely.

In retrospect, it is hard to know whether this could have developed in another way.  Am I as a person truly unable to hold off fatigue for a few days and still behave like a nice, amicable person (even in an emotionally stressful situation)?  Or is there some level of conditioning that played a hand in my struggle?  When I acted out as a young child, I was taught that sleep would make me a better person.  If I had been told instead, "I know you are tired, but you still need to control your emotions and treat people with respect," while given tools and strategies to behave properly, would that have made any difference???

This whole idea has resurfaced recently for a number of reasons:

1)  As a parent, I am often beyond sleep deprived.  On the one night my baby miraculously sleeps 12 hours, the 3 year-old wakes up screaming at midnight, covered in vomit.  The reality of motherhood is sleep deprivation.  I have been trying to figure out how to balance the fatigue with maintaining patient parenting, having energy to be a good wife, and trying at times to squeeze in some me time (a run, some yoga, or writing).  My husband drinks a lot of coffee.  Whenever I get less than 7 hours of sleep, he recommends a good dose of caffeine.  I do indulge at times, but I am very philosophically against getting myself addicted to needing it in order to wake up in the morning.  So this solution doesn't quite work for me. 
Counterintuitively, I am also currently playing around with waking up an hour earlier.  As long as I can get in bed at a decent hour and not get woken up too much at night, I think that getting out of bed at 6 AM and giving myself an hour to slowly start my day might prove to allow a joyful day much more than being woken up abruptly by a child's scream at 7 AM.

2)  During chagim (holidays), I struggle.  Dinners regularly go until midnight or later in our family, overtired children (from being with extended family) wake me much earlier than normal, and the nature of the holiday schedule does not lend itself to a nap.  Add to this the emotional strain of family dynamics (regardless of how functional a family is, every family has dynamics!) and I always say things I regret or behave in a less than ideal manner.  I always blame it on the fatigue.  But as I finish off the third decade of my life, I don't think this is a valid excuse anymore.  I should be able to control myself. 

3)  MY KIDS -
One of my kids in particular got my sleeping genes - needing a lot of it and having trouble functioning well without. 
If there is any way possible to keep her from ending up in the same situation as me at 27 years old, I would love to help her out now.  I have found myself using the same line my parents did - "This is unacceptable behavior.  Go lay down in your bed, take a nap, and speak to me when you feel better."  Yet each time I say this, I wonder whether I am actually doing her a disservice in the long run.  Should I instead try to teach her at the tender age of 4 that even when she is tired, it is still possible to control herself?  Is this physically possible for a child to learn?? 

In some ways things are easier to impart on an impressionable child.  At the same time, I believe that an adult has more maturity and capability to actually implement the strategies.

My most recent naturopathic find

My husband has started telling me that if we ever move back to a place like Oklahoma, or anywhere else in the south for that matter, I will be seen as a very "returning to the roots, naturalist" northerner.  I think that my recent tendencies come from an array of factors.  First, I believe there is something about the Seattle air.  It just makes one want to compost, use natural ingredients, and become more healthy.  I would also like to believe that as my children become real kids, I get in better touch with myself through maturity, and I further develop my philosophic approach to life, some elements of this lifestyle are a natural progression in maturity.

During my last pregnancy, a little over a year ago, a good friend and amazing person from our military family, was pregnant as well.  She told me about relief she found from using a magnesium supplement.  It helped her sleep better and also served as a good cure for "restless leg syndrome."  Since there was no harm in trying, I gave it a go.  The key to her suggestion, however, was the source of magnesium.  Rather than an oral supplement, she recommended the mineral spray.  By spraying it on the legs directly before bedtime, it gets absorbed into the bloodstream and really contributes to a good night's sleep.

I enjoyed this routine throughout the last few months of my pregnancy and whether I experienced a placebo effect or not, I felt like it worked well.  When I gave birth, I figured I would no longer need this supplement, so I stopped the sprays.

Fast Forward One Year:
  Within the first year postpartum, I always experience some degree of postpartum blues.  In the past, I have always treated this with a minimal regimen of Zoloft.  I tried that this time for a few months, but even on half of the lowest dose, I did not like being on the medication.  It numbed me to sadness, but it also numbed me to being extremely happy, expressing my silly side, and most detrimental, it numbed my creative outlet.
I swiftly weaned off of this medication and did a little research for a natural mood aid.  The most popular (St John's Wort) is not allowed while breastfeeding, so I looked further.  After some fun evenings on Google, I noticed some trends. 
1)  Magnesium deficiency is a big issue in modern society
2)  Magnesium has been used as a "chill pill" for centuries (although I doubt it was called a chill pill).

What could it hurt?  I sprayed my legs before bed.

Within a few days, I felt better than I have since before my pregnancy... and possibly even in many years.  Not only do I notice an increase in my energy levels, but it has helped tremendously in my ability to "let things go" when I previously might have dwelled and gotten upset.  This has been such a blessing to discover, especially during this time in my life when I am trying to mentally and emotionally focus on living b'simcha - with a constant perspective of happiness.

I felt compelled to write about this in order to pass this gem of information along to anyone else who might be able to benefit.

Some information about Magnesium benefits:

 (For the psychologically minded): http://evolutionarypsychiatry.blogspot.com/2010/10/magnesium-and-brain.html

(For layfolk): http://www.magnesiumoil.com/magnesium-health/anxiety-stress


The oil I use:
http://www.amazon.com/Ancient-Minerals-Ultra-Pure-Magnesium/dp/B001AD0HL8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1402671199&sr=8-2&keywords=magnesium+spray

Be in the moment

Recently I have rediscovered the physical and emotional grounding I feel from regularly attending a yoga class.  In addition to an oasis of calm in a hectic life, this 75 minute class gives me a physical rejuvenation.  I walk out of class with new blood and energy rushing through all of the aches and pains which ailed me.

I also really enjoy the personal touch some of the teachers bring to their classes in our local yoga studio.  One teacher in particular incorporates an inspirational message into each class, revisiting the topic in different ways throughout the practice.

Last week, she opened the class through discussing a meaningful TED talk.  If you have never seen a TED talk, I highly recommend them - but only if you have a lot of time!  They are very amazing and often very brilliant and very addictive!

This particular talk emphasizes the importance of living in the moment.  Whether undergoing a positive or negative experience, individuals feel a greater sense of joy when they focus on the present moment.  Rather than focus on what you did yesterday or a last year this time, you wholly and completely engage in your current activity.  Rather than think about your to do list or planning a vacation for next week, you dwell your entire conscience into the moment.

She even discussed in class the example from the TED talk that someone focusing on the present while getting a painful dental procedure can experience a greater level of joy than an individual watching a movie with a friend while thinking about the future or past.

How fascinating.  So all I have to do is live in the moment in every moment.  Then my levels of happiness will exceed anything I've ever known.

This is a LOT harder than it sounds.

For anyone who has tried any form of daily prayer, you might have experienced the difficulty at maintaining what we call "kavanah", loosely translated as intention or concentration.  If I can not stay focused on my words and my intention for ten minutes when I am devoting my entire brain to that purpose, then how could I do so when going about every day tasks?

I have decided to start this process with a few small steps.

When I sit at the table for a meal with the kids, I am WITH them.  I am not planning my calendar for the week.  I am not reading articles or emails on my phone.  I am not chatting with parents or friends.  I am eating with them.  I am listening to them.  When they make a request of me, I look in their eyes and respond.

When we finish the meal, I inevitably often revert to my multi-tasking craze.  I jump from discussing last week to planning next month and back again in a matter of seconds.

But for now, during those short meals, at least twice a day (for breakfast and dinner... lunch is a little harder for me to manage right now), I am living in the moment and present in connecting with the kids and myself.

TED Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/matt_killingsworth_want_to_be_happier_stay_in_the_moment#t-78610