Blogspot has not been so cooperative in allowing participation in this blogging endeavor. Multiple people have sent me emails that their comments won't get published or they are not able to figure out how to subscribe.
Therefore, I have decided to switch domains!
Ivdu et Hashem b'Simcha will now be on wordpress -
www.ivduethashembsimcha.wordpress.com
Hope to see you there!
Friday, July 25, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Sometimes, a good cry can make me happy
The day before 'Captain's departure, he fasted for the Seventeenth of Tammuz, a day which begins "The Three weeks" on the Jewish calendar. These three weeks culminate in a day called Tisha b'Av, the 9th day of the month of Av. This auspicious day has marked much tragedy throughout Jewish history.
During one of my first experiences in observing this period of time, I remember a wise rabbi's explanation on how and why we grieve. He explained that Judaism does not allow us to be sad without purpose throughout the year. There is so much to be happy about, we need to feel and express that happiness. During this short time, however, we are not only allowed to feel sad, we are supposed to feel sad. Whenever we feel sadness throughout the year, we need to bottle it up and save it for the Three Weeks or Tisha b'Av so that we will have the emotions accessible with which to express our devastation at all that does not exist in this world. We do not have a Temple to serve G-d. G-d's creations do not live in peace. We must spend three weeks of the year mourning for this state of the world and then we may go back to living b'simcha - with happiness.
I do not remember the exact day, but right around the beginning of the three weeks, Israeli soldiers entered Gaza by foot to eradicate as much terror as possible and protect their People. This act of defense has served as a conduit for anti-Semites throughout the world to express their criticism for the Jewish State and the Jewish People.
As you might conclude, between the state of the world and 'Capt's deployment, it has not been extremely difficult to find a source of sad emotions this year.
At the same time, I can not be a puddle of tears day in and day out. I have kids counting on me to take care of them and give them a sense of security.
Some days, my emotions do seep into my parenting. I notice my patience getting short. I notice myself snapping at a child whose action did not deserve such a reaction.
So what do I do? I find a quiet place in solitude and I cry a lot. Releasing these emotions brings me to a place of patience and tranquility.
It makes sense to feel and express these emotions once a year - we release it all - opening up a place within us for happiness and שלום shalom - peace to reside. Then, each year we hope to use that happiness and sense of positive purpose to make this world a better place, bring the Jewish people closer to our Destiny and merit the coming of Masshiach so that we won't have to go through the sadness again the next year.
During one of my first experiences in observing this period of time, I remember a wise rabbi's explanation on how and why we grieve. He explained that Judaism does not allow us to be sad without purpose throughout the year. There is so much to be happy about, we need to feel and express that happiness. During this short time, however, we are not only allowed to feel sad, we are supposed to feel sad. Whenever we feel sadness throughout the year, we need to bottle it up and save it for the Three Weeks or Tisha b'Av so that we will have the emotions accessible with which to express our devastation at all that does not exist in this world. We do not have a Temple to serve G-d. G-d's creations do not live in peace. We must spend three weeks of the year mourning for this state of the world and then we may go back to living b'simcha - with happiness.
I do not remember the exact day, but right around the beginning of the three weeks, Israeli soldiers entered Gaza by foot to eradicate as much terror as possible and protect their People. This act of defense has served as a conduit for anti-Semites throughout the world to express their criticism for the Jewish State and the Jewish People.
As you might conclude, between the state of the world and 'Capt's deployment, it has not been extremely difficult to find a source of sad emotions this year.
At the same time, I can not be a puddle of tears day in and day out. I have kids counting on me to take care of them and give them a sense of security.
Some days, my emotions do seep into my parenting. I notice my patience getting short. I notice myself snapping at a child whose action did not deserve such a reaction.
So what do I do? I find a quiet place in solitude and I cry a lot. Releasing these emotions brings me to a place of patience and tranquility.
It makes sense to feel and express these emotions once a year - we release it all - opening up a place within us for happiness and שלום shalom - peace to reside. Then, each year we hope to use that happiness and sense of positive purpose to make this world a better place, bring the Jewish people closer to our Destiny and merit the coming of Masshiach so that we won't have to go through the sadness again the next year.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Showing unconditional love
I have recently gotten very into a new-to-me series of relationship books - The Five Love Languages.
If you're interested in a synopsis of the concept, look here:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
I first heard of this theory a few years ago when I participated in a Shalom Bayit (creating a peaceful home) class. The ideal of a truly peaceful home is stressed greatly in Jewish practice as a necessary prerequisite for allowing kedusha (holiness) into the home. The Shalom begins with the relationship between the husband and the wife and then radiates outward affecting everybody.
While doing my Amazon pre-deployment shop-fest, I came across a book - The Five Love Languages - Military Edition. For $10, I figured it was worth a try. I had been wanting to learn more about the teachings of Dr. Chapman, and the military vignettes could only add to the reading experience. I received the book a
week before 'Captain's departure and quickly devoured 5 chapters. I loved what I read so much that I ordered another copy for 'Cap to take with him (thank you Amazon Prime 2 day shipping!). This book contained some true gems for enhancing our understanding of each other and realizing the best way to express love in our particular relationship. Perhaps in another entry, I will expound on everything I learned from this book, but this post is actually about an entirely different lesson.
While purchasing the second copy, I noticed that there is also a book on the 5 love languages of children. I have been a little disappointed in my parenting recently and bought this book in hopes of it revolutionizing my ability to parent just as it seemed to revolutionize my ability to understand my husband.
I have yet to finish the book, but in the three chapters I read last night, it has already labeled my current parenting flaws and promised to teach me how to correct them.
I am usually more reserved about sharing such personal experiences, especially when doing so reveals my greatest weaknesses, but I have decided that it is important. A number of the people who read this blog are moms of young children. I think that my mistakes are easy mistakes to make while in conversation with toddlers and young lawyers day after day.
How many strategies can one employ in an attempt for compliance from a young child? "Please do this." - "Do this right now." - "If you don't do this then..." - "I'm counting to 3..." - "I said do it!" .... etc....
It seems attractive to use conditional statements. - "I'm not going to do ________ for you unless you listen and do ________." - "Only good listeners get special privileges from Mommy."
Unfortunately, this has become an instinctual go to for me. At some point in my life, this technique was ingrained and I am having trouble scratching it from the surface of my brain. I never understood why it was so wrong until I read the 5 love languages for children.
The most important ingredient for compliant, happy, well-adjusted children is that they receive a constant source of unconditional love. Children crave love. One might think that if they crave it so much then you can tell them that in order to get that love they will need to listen to you. Through this statement, a parent implies that a wayward child will not deserve parental signs of affection. Interestingly, this strategy makes them less likely to listen. Children feel security through knowing that their parents love them and will always show this love regardless of their behavior. The more you show love, the better position you will be in to enforce appropriate discipline when necessary.
Now how do we "fill their love tanks" with unconditional love? Dr. Gary Chapman explains implementation of the languages - Physical touch, Words of affirmation, Quality time, Acts of sevice and Gifts - in his book.
Today, I focused the entire day on expressing as much love as possible to all of the children. I hugged and kissed them every chance I got. I looked for every genuine compliment I could give about their character, and I made an effort to designate chunks of one on one time to each child (even the baby). When a child began to whine or act up, rather than a reprimand, I asked if they wanted to come do something special with me. I didn't reinforce the whine by giving in to their particular demand, but I took the whine as a sign that their love tank was no longer full and they needed me to top it off.
Thank G-d - what a day! Everyone commented at dinner at what a fun day we had. 90% of our day was spent at home with an hour excursion to our regular park. We did not do anything extravagant, but the kids sensed a difference, and it was evident in their behavior.
What a beautiful way to create happy, well-adjusted, compliant children.
<<Disclaimer: I am sure I will not be able to implement this strategy every day to its fullest extent, but the intention is the important first step.>>
If you're interested in a synopsis of the concept, look here:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
I first heard of this theory a few years ago when I participated in a Shalom Bayit (creating a peaceful home) class. The ideal of a truly peaceful home is stressed greatly in Jewish practice as a necessary prerequisite for allowing kedusha (holiness) into the home. The Shalom begins with the relationship between the husband and the wife and then radiates outward affecting everybody.
While doing my Amazon pre-deployment shop-fest, I came across a book - The Five Love Languages - Military Edition. For $10, I figured it was worth a try. I had been wanting to learn more about the teachings of Dr. Chapman, and the military vignettes could only add to the reading experience. I received the book a
week before 'Captain's departure and quickly devoured 5 chapters. I loved what I read so much that I ordered another copy for 'Cap to take with him (thank you Amazon Prime 2 day shipping!). This book contained some true gems for enhancing our understanding of each other and realizing the best way to express love in our particular relationship. Perhaps in another entry, I will expound on everything I learned from this book, but this post is actually about an entirely different lesson.
While purchasing the second copy, I noticed that there is also a book on the 5 love languages of children. I have been a little disappointed in my parenting recently and bought this book in hopes of it revolutionizing my ability to parent just as it seemed to revolutionize my ability to understand my husband.
I have yet to finish the book, but in the three chapters I read last night, it has already labeled my current parenting flaws and promised to teach me how to correct them.
I am usually more reserved about sharing such personal experiences, especially when doing so reveals my greatest weaknesses, but I have decided that it is important. A number of the people who read this blog are moms of young children. I think that my mistakes are easy mistakes to make while in conversation with toddlers and young lawyers day after day.
How many strategies can one employ in an attempt for compliance from a young child? "Please do this." - "Do this right now." - "If you don't do this then..." - "I'm counting to 3..." - "I said do it!" .... etc....
It seems attractive to use conditional statements. - "I'm not going to do ________ for you unless you listen and do ________." - "Only good listeners get special privileges from Mommy."
Unfortunately, this has become an instinctual go to for me. At some point in my life, this technique was ingrained and I am having trouble scratching it from the surface of my brain. I never understood why it was so wrong until I read the 5 love languages for children.
The most important ingredient for compliant, happy, well-adjusted children is that they receive a constant source of unconditional love. Children crave love. One might think that if they crave it so much then you can tell them that in order to get that love they will need to listen to you. Through this statement, a parent implies that a wayward child will not deserve parental signs of affection. Interestingly, this strategy makes them less likely to listen. Children feel security through knowing that their parents love them and will always show this love regardless of their behavior. The more you show love, the better position you will be in to enforce appropriate discipline when necessary.
Now how do we "fill their love tanks" with unconditional love? Dr. Gary Chapman explains implementation of the languages - Physical touch, Words of affirmation, Quality time, Acts of sevice and Gifts - in his book.
Today, I focused the entire day on expressing as much love as possible to all of the children. I hugged and kissed them every chance I got. I looked for every genuine compliment I could give about their character, and I made an effort to designate chunks of one on one time to each child (even the baby). When a child began to whine or act up, rather than a reprimand, I asked if they wanted to come do something special with me. I didn't reinforce the whine by giving in to their particular demand, but I took the whine as a sign that their love tank was no longer full and they needed me to top it off.
Thank G-d - what a day! Everyone commented at dinner at what a fun day we had. 90% of our day was spent at home with an hour excursion to our regular park. We did not do anything extravagant, but the kids sensed a difference, and it was evident in their behavior.
What a beautiful way to create happy, well-adjusted, compliant children.
<<Disclaimer: I am sure I will not be able to implement this strategy every day to its fullest extent, but the intention is the important first step.>>
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Is Retail Therapy all that bad??
I've heard mixed reviews on the therapeutic benefit of shopping.
For some, the process of shopping in and of itself provides calming effects. One can walk through a store for an hour, leave empty handed, and feel better after having had the experience. It serves as a purposeful distraction from life.
Others benefit from the fleeting joy of acquiring something new. Psychologists, however, argue that this joy actually leaves a larger abyss in its absence than the prior emptiness. One needs to continually acquire more and more in order to attain the same level of "happiness."
Over the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of "retail therapy." On one hand, I have justified that I want to feel prepared and secure for what life might bring. I got a new water bottle to make sure I stay well hydrated during this extra stressful time. I bought a new backpack to replace the one I've used since high school because I am working at a camp for a month and then flying on my own with the kids, so I need something sturdy with substantial organization potential. I made these purchases not only for the joy of the acquisition, but for the joy I hope to feel each time they're used. When someone goes clothes shopping, isn't it a similar motivation? Each time they wear the clothes, won't they feel a little happy? Or does this wear off once it's not new anymore, leaving in its absence a desire to acquire yet again to have something else new?
One thing is for sure - if you are going to do retail therapy, you might as well do it online! This is the way to go for two reasons -
1) It takes a lot less time.
2) You get the buyer's high twice - once when you pick it out and click "Purchase," and again when a box arrives at the door and you get to open it and enjoy the purchase!
My Captain talked me out of some of the completely unnecessary purchases, but for now I enjoy my new water filtration system as I get to sip pure and clean water to rehydrate at the end of a long day. :-)
For some, the process of shopping in and of itself provides calming effects. One can walk through a store for an hour, leave empty handed, and feel better after having had the experience. It serves as a purposeful distraction from life.
Others benefit from the fleeting joy of acquiring something new. Psychologists, however, argue that this joy actually leaves a larger abyss in its absence than the prior emptiness. One needs to continually acquire more and more in order to attain the same level of "happiness."
Over the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of "retail therapy." On one hand, I have justified that I want to feel prepared and secure for what life might bring. I got a new water bottle to make sure I stay well hydrated during this extra stressful time. I bought a new backpack to replace the one I've used since high school because I am working at a camp for a month and then flying on my own with the kids, so I need something sturdy with substantial organization potential. I made these purchases not only for the joy of the acquisition, but for the joy I hope to feel each time they're used. When someone goes clothes shopping, isn't it a similar motivation? Each time they wear the clothes, won't they feel a little happy? Or does this wear off once it's not new anymore, leaving in its absence a desire to acquire yet again to have something else new?
One thing is for sure - if you are going to do retail therapy, you might as well do it online! This is the way to go for two reasons -
1) It takes a lot less time.
2) You get the buyer's high twice - once when you pick it out and click "Purchase," and again when a box arrives at the door and you get to open it and enjoy the purchase!
My Captain talked me out of some of the completely unnecessary purchases, but for now I enjoy my new water filtration system as I get to sip pure and clean water to rehydrate at the end of a long day. :-)
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
On perspective
The deployment begins.
Six months of life without our "captain" (husband has decided upon this blog name for himself :-))
Over the past few days, I have given a lot of thought to my psychological approach. In comparison to our previous deployments of 2 1/2 months, it seems like an eternity. But it's not an eternity - it's six months. At least it's not 12 months!! And if it were 12 months...... at least he's not sailing across an ocean only to return at the unknown time of the conclusion of the war (as was the case for most soldiers in WWII - those who made it home).
It's all about perspective.
Six months is six months is six months.
Back when we dealt with 10 week deployments, I used to count the weeks. After week one - 10% complete! After week two - 20%... etc. I took a very mathematical approach to the passage of day after day.
With six months, that would be a little too depressing in the beginning. So instead, I have decided to just live each day independent of the big picture of time. A true role model who used to live in our community went through a 9 month deployment. Each time I asked how she was doing, she responded, "One day at a time." Now, I know where she was coming from. It's the only way to do it. In the day, I can feel joy and excitement. I can experience the here and now. If I view the day as a means to the return of my captain, it will be filled with sadness. So I will be in the day and in the moment. I will be with my children and my amazing friends - who have already reached out in so many ways to make me feel supported and not alone. And with G-d's help, this approach will make the days pass quickly, one after the other, eventually giving rise to the sun on the morning of his return.
Here we go - ready or not - it's sink or swim - and I've decided to swim!
Six months of life without our "captain" (husband has decided upon this blog name for himself :-))
Over the past few days, I have given a lot of thought to my psychological approach. In comparison to our previous deployments of 2 1/2 months, it seems like an eternity. But it's not an eternity - it's six months. At least it's not 12 months!! And if it were 12 months...... at least he's not sailing across an ocean only to return at the unknown time of the conclusion of the war (as was the case for most soldiers in WWII - those who made it home).
It's all about perspective.
Six months is six months is six months.
Back when we dealt with 10 week deployments, I used to count the weeks. After week one - 10% complete! After week two - 20%... etc. I took a very mathematical approach to the passage of day after day.
With six months, that would be a little too depressing in the beginning. So instead, I have decided to just live each day independent of the big picture of time. A true role model who used to live in our community went through a 9 month deployment. Each time I asked how she was doing, she responded, "One day at a time." Now, I know where she was coming from. It's the only way to do it. In the day, I can feel joy and excitement. I can experience the here and now. If I view the day as a means to the return of my captain, it will be filled with sadness. So I will be in the day and in the moment. I will be with my children and my amazing friends - who have already reached out in so many ways to make me feel supported and not alone. And with G-d's help, this approach will make the days pass quickly, one after the other, eventually giving rise to the sun on the morning of his return.
Here we go - ready or not - it's sink or swim - and I've decided to swim!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
"To serve G-d and my country..."
Since my initial post, my musings have peripherally touched upon the topic of serving G-d with happiness. I have discussed ways to enhance happiness and avoid aspects of life that detract from happiness. I then hope that once a level of happiness is attained, it will result in a state of being ready to serve G-d (in all the ways discussed here: Ivdu et Hashem bsimcha).
Today, I deliberate on a specific, very important way that I do what G-d wants of me.
I am an עזר כנגדו (ezer kenegdo). When G-d created woman, He called her the "compatible helper" to man. On a deeper level, a spiritual companion.
A husband and wife each have this role to and for each other. One's purpose in marriage is to help and give to the other on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. If both spouses embody this principle then they will both receive adequately. I have worked very hard on attaining this perspective in my marriage. It did not come naturally to me (does it to anybody???!?!). I still have a long way to go, but I think that I have finally gotten to the point of thinking of my husband's needs as equal to mine. Eventually, I would like to feel as though I put his needs above my own. Realistically, this will not be possible until my children are older and I don't need to take care of myself so that I can be in a place to put their every need before my own.
I digress.
Right now, my role as my husband's helpmate is to support him on the six month journey he commences this week. It's simultaneously a journey of warfare and a journey of personal character and strength. He will face challenges and with G-d's help, he will learn and grow as a military officer and as a person. Throughout this time, I need to be there for him. Even more importantly, I need to do it b'simcha - with happiness! Yes, I am back home taking care of three children on my own day in and day out, but I need to infuse this life with as much happiness as possible so that I can maintain the strength that I need to support him in his journey. I need to serve my husband and my children with happiness. Through so doing, I indirectly help myself, because it is much more enjoyable to be happy than sad.
I will cry when he leaves. I am sure of it. It's about as sure as the sun rising tomorrow morning. But as those tears fade, they will be replaced by fortification, strength, and a deep happiness that I am given the opportunity to help him do what he needs to do and be who he needs to be.
Today, I deliberate on a specific, very important way that I do what G-d wants of me.
I am an עזר כנגדו (ezer kenegdo). When G-d created woman, He called her the "compatible helper" to man. On a deeper level, a spiritual companion.
A husband and wife each have this role to and for each other. One's purpose in marriage is to help and give to the other on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. If both spouses embody this principle then they will both receive adequately. I have worked very hard on attaining this perspective in my marriage. It did not come naturally to me (does it to anybody???!?!). I still have a long way to go, but I think that I have finally gotten to the point of thinking of my husband's needs as equal to mine. Eventually, I would like to feel as though I put his needs above my own. Realistically, this will not be possible until my children are older and I don't need to take care of myself so that I can be in a place to put their every need before my own.
I digress.
Right now, my role as my husband's helpmate is to support him on the six month journey he commences this week. It's simultaneously a journey of warfare and a journey of personal character and strength. He will face challenges and with G-d's help, he will learn and grow as a military officer and as a person. Throughout this time, I need to be there for him. Even more importantly, I need to do it b'simcha - with happiness! Yes, I am back home taking care of three children on my own day in and day out, but I need to infuse this life with as much happiness as possible so that I can maintain the strength that I need to support him in his journey. I need to serve my husband and my children with happiness. Through so doing, I indirectly help myself, because it is much more enjoyable to be happy than sad.
I will cry when he leaves. I am sure of it. It's about as sure as the sun rising tomorrow morning. But as those tears fade, they will be replaced by fortification, strength, and a deep happiness that I am given the opportunity to help him do what he needs to do and be who he needs to be.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
"I am how I clean."
Have you ever heard the common saying, "I am what I eat"?
For those of you who don't know, I have a background in math. In analyzing life, I look through bifocals combining a psychological and mathematical lens. In mathematical proofs, there are three potential relationships between components A and B in a given theorem:
1) If A then B
2) If B then A
3) If A then B AND If B then A (written A if and only if B)
For the saying, "I am what I eat," people usually refer to the causal relationship "If I eat something healthy then I will be healthy," or conversely, "If I eat something unhealthy, then I will be unhealthy."
I instead look at this relationship as an "if and only if" relationship (#3). If I eat something healthy, I will be a healthy person. If I am a healthy person then I will make healthy eating choices. Conversely, if I eat something unhealthy, then I will be unhealthy - AND - If I am an unhealthy person then I will make poor eating choices.
This post is actually not about eating choices at all.
I wanted to demonstrate how this relationship can work in various areas of life.
As those of you close with me know, my family is approaching a highly stressful stage in life. In one week, my husband leaves for a six month deployment. As we prepare - both physically and emotionally - for his departure, I have felt a strong urge to keep my house as clean and organized as possible.
As I start to understand myself better, I realize that my house is put together well when I am in a good place emotionally. If I am floating on cloud 9, I get sudden urges to clean out all of my closets, scrub the refrigerator and organize the arts and crafts cabinet - just for fun! Right now, I definitely don't have the emotional energy to tackle those projects. However, I feel very strongly that if I force myself to create a clean, organized living environment then spending all day in these surroundings will positively affect my emotions and coping ability.
Do you notice a correlation between the tidiness of your home and your emotional state?
(P.S. A number of people have written me emails in response to their reading this blog, but I would love to see some comments and conversation about the topics I bring up. Please feel free to comment if you feel comfortable)
For those of you who don't know, I have a background in math. In analyzing life, I look through bifocals combining a psychological and mathematical lens. In mathematical proofs, there are three potential relationships between components A and B in a given theorem:
1) If A then B
2) If B then A
3) If A then B AND If B then A (written A if and only if B)
For the saying, "I am what I eat," people usually refer to the causal relationship "If I eat something healthy then I will be healthy," or conversely, "If I eat something unhealthy, then I will be unhealthy."
I instead look at this relationship as an "if and only if" relationship (#3). If I eat something healthy, I will be a healthy person. If I am a healthy person then I will make healthy eating choices. Conversely, if I eat something unhealthy, then I will be unhealthy - AND - If I am an unhealthy person then I will make poor eating choices.
This post is actually not about eating choices at all.
I wanted to demonstrate how this relationship can work in various areas of life.
As those of you close with me know, my family is approaching a highly stressful stage in life. In one week, my husband leaves for a six month deployment. As we prepare - both physically and emotionally - for his departure, I have felt a strong urge to keep my house as clean and organized as possible.
As I start to understand myself better, I realize that my house is put together well when I am in a good place emotionally. If I am floating on cloud 9, I get sudden urges to clean out all of my closets, scrub the refrigerator and organize the arts and crafts cabinet - just for fun! Right now, I definitely don't have the emotional energy to tackle those projects. However, I feel very strongly that if I force myself to create a clean, organized living environment then spending all day in these surroundings will positively affect my emotions and coping ability.
Do you notice a correlation between the tidiness of your home and your emotional state?
(P.S. A number of people have written me emails in response to their reading this blog, but I would love to see some comments and conversation about the topics I bring up. Please feel free to comment if you feel comfortable)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)